I Don’t Know – Third Base!

“I have 2 weapons; my arms, my legs and my brain.” – Michael Vick.

After getting help for an addiction to dog-fighting, Vick was hired to be the offensive coordinator of the Atlanta Legends – One of eight teams that make up the new Alliance of American Football. After realizing coordinating an offense consisted of more than malnourishment and physical abuse of his players, he was re-assigned to an administrative role. His Atlanta Legends lost to the Orlando Apollos and the old ball coach 40-6.

Basically, the AAF was created so that fans can experience football beyond February. It couldn’t have worked out much better considering how underwhelming the super bowl was. The AAF is an “alliance” with the NFL but at the same time, doesn’t agree with the new rules and safety concerns the game has implemented in the last few years. In true Seinfeld fashion, if everything the NFL does is wrong, they believe the opposite must be right. Considering this impeccable logic, the league has put an emphasis on scoring, less penalties, and hits to the head.

Sorry for all that excitement, I’ll get back to the NFL now. After leaving the Patriots last year, Danny Amendola signed a 2-year contract with an opt-out option for 2019. It’s rumored he might very well exercise that option. Always hungry for another high-motor light-skinned wide receiver, Belichick and the Patriots are licking their chops. We’re all playing checkers, while Belichick’s playing Chess with two different shades of ivory for the pieces.

MLB: Pitchers and catchers are reporting this week, but listen, we’ve got 8 months until the world series champion is crowned. There’s plenty of time to talk baseball. You can’t just jump right into the season. So while we wait for Harper and Machado to sign, lets discuss why the Disabled List is being put on the DL. Major league Baseball has been forced to change the name of the Disabled List. People with disabilities were embarrassed of being compared to players like Corey Seager and Buster Posey. Beginning this 2019 season, the DL will now be called the Injured List (the IL). Disability organizations continue to preach that a disability is not an inability. That’s why it’ll be difficult now to distinguish between the new Injury List and my current IL (Inability List); Rich Hill, James Looney, Chris Davis, Dee Gordon, Billy Hamilton (just to name a few).

PGA: On the PGA Tour, the Pebble Beach pro-am had to delay the final round due to weather. Mickelson is leading Casey by 3 strokes with 2 holes to play. To Phil’s dismay, they delayed the finish until Monday morning because of darkness. It all made sense after the round when it was reported that Paul Casey is in the midst of his monthly menstrual cycle. In addition to his bloating and irritability, his all-around European entitlement forced Phil to come back for a 5^th day to win again at Pebble. The excess of estrogen in Paul Casey’s system might be the reason he shrinks and shrivels up every time down the stretch on Sundays (in this case, the brisk whether on California’s north coast didn’t help..). Here’s a picture of Phil approaching from behind, preparing to mount and have his way with the European.

Jordan Spieth told a story on the Dan Patrick show earlier this week about Tom Brady. Apparently, they played Augusta together once. Spieth beat Tom and his partner by one shot on the last hole. Jordan said Tom was so competitive throughout the match that he didn’t talk to him for over an hour after the round. Well Jordan, have you ever thought that the greatest Quarterback of all time was just sick and tired of your lame-ass personality he endured over the 5-hour round of golf? Maybe if you weren’t a human rain delay every time you took out your 8-iron, Tom Brady would’ve had lunch in your vicinity after the round.

Tiger Woods was not in the field at Pebble Beach but is gearing up for his second start of the year at the Genesis Open. Historically, Tiger has not played well at Riviera. Even if he never wins the Genesis Open, he will always be considered one of the best athletes of all time. Not only will he go down in history, he’d go down on history if that was the name of a high-class Vegas stripper.

NBA: Make ‘em dance Lance Stephenson planned to eat a post-game meal at his favorite place in Indianapolis and all his fans were invited. But after losing to the pacers by 42 points, he changed his plans to get out of town immediately. Fans were disappointed that they couldn’t enjoy Lance’s stimulating conversation alongside their wings, beer and boobs at the local hooters.

Just when things were getting hot and heavy between New Orleans and Los Angeles, the Lakers to decide to pull out of Anthony Davis and go in on Reggie Bullock. They were willing to risk it all for the 25-year-old super star, but at the end of the day, instead of pursuing Mr. Right, they end up with Mr. Right Now. We’ll see how the chemistry evolves between the current Laker’s roster and their new side piece from Detroit.

In other news, Markieff Morris from the Washington Wizards (not to be confused with his equally disappointing and undistinguished twin brother Marcus), was traded to the Pelicans. This comes just a couple weeks after shooting a commercial for a local pizza company in Northern Virginia. Paisano’s Pizza has no plans to cancel their campaign and expects the commercial to run twice during each Wizard’s game. Don’t worry Paisanos, you’re not the only dysfunctional DC organization. Just don’t put Alex Smith in any of your commercials unless you’re selling stale white crackers as a side option to your vegan pizza.

Here’s the updated odds as of 2/10/2019

ODDS TO WIN THE 2018-19 NBA FINALS (6/15/19)

Team	Odds
Golden State Warriors	1/3
Toronto Raptors	10/1
Boston Celtics	12/1
Milwaukee Bucks	15/1
Philadelphia 76ers	18/1
Houston Rockets	20/1
Oklahoma City Thunder	50/1
Los Angeles Lakers	55/1
Utah Jazz	60/1
Denver Nuggets	65/1
San Antonio Spurs	100/1
Portland Trail Blazers	175/1
Indiana Pacers	200/1
Brooklyn Nets	250/1
Dallas Mavericks	300/1
Charlotte Hornets	350/1
Miami Heat	350/1
Detroit Pistons	500/1
Washington Wizards	500/1
Sacramento Kings	750/1
Los Angeles Clippers	1000/1
Minnesota Timberwolves	1000/1
New Orleans Pelicans	1000/1
Orlando Magic	1000/1
Atlanta Hawks	9999/1
Memphis Grizzlies	9999/1